A Mess.


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When I first started blogging it was about Grady and a prenatal diagnosis of Down Syndrome.  That storyline in itself became a huge part of my identity, along with my ability to find the answers through faith for every obstacle and paint a picture sprinkled with fairy dust with every photo that depicted our journey ( I call that part blueberry pancakes, we will get to that down the line).. it was a nice package, it looked good online and when we pranced into church or around new and old people….  but I was a mess…. and with all of that I created a what I feel was a pretty decent mess in my life because so many new friendships in real life that were formed around this blog were somewhat superficial…  I was much more than the words in this blog.  I was not a well packaged christian, mom or housekeeper.  How would I share all the other stuff? should I ever?  I felt expectations grow and close in on me, I even made friendships that were not authentic to me, because I was not being authentic. As transparent as it all seemed here, it just wasn’t the whole story of me or us. It never felt necessary to share,  but each time I wrote my story I felt something missing.  Believe it or not, Down Syndrome was almost easy to me in the scope of the real story, probably why I embraced it with Grace and rode into the bright sun waving my T21 flag.

As the open book that I am, I quickly realized that when I slowly and finally did let some into my real life that I made a mess of things with this blog.  Those relationships faded, I battled insecurity in christian circles,  had some incredibly harsh encounters with judgement and I let this blog go. I didn’t want my whole life to be defined by one tiny chromosome, a small sliver in the big picture. I learned A LOT about myself in the last few years. I have experienced deep personal loss in my family and learned how to ride the waves of grief, like a seasoned surfer.  I have learned about boundaries, to let go, move on and when it’s ok to call bullshit…. bullshit… and not sugar coat the crap out of it.  I recently came to the conclusion that I don’t have to have it all figured out, or have the answer to share my story…. maybe in sharing I’ll start to find some of those missing pieces.

So about that undoing the mess, that starts here…

 

till next time ❤

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