Nestled Within. {warning : Raw Emotions}


In the midst of what has become the longest and most challenging winter of my life… we have been withholding a tiny surprise nestled within me. We are excpecting our third baby mid-August. {16+ weeks and counting}

Life got complicated around December 20th when we first figured out why I wasn’t feeling well.. the myriad of reasons might sound crazy/irrational/ungrateful but learning I was expecting was the catalyst to a very tough two months for me. emotionally.

Taking these photos today would be the first time I have actually blow dried my hair in two months. {tiny accomplishments}

Early December I remember sitting at a dinner party with my girlfriends and saying that I was pretty certain I was done birthing my babies, and while I knew we were about to begin our adoption process in just weeks… I was even more confident in that statement. I thought the shop was closed. I had birthed two of the most precious children, and patted myself for a job well done…we make adorable 46 and 47 chromosome babies.  case closed. so I thought.

The first reaction was grief & guilt, over the child we thought we be ours in 2012. The child we had prayed for and had made bold decisions for this past year. Just two days before seeing those two pink lines, I sent our official inquiry letter into RR… I struggled within my mind with guilt that I didn’t do enough to prevent pregnancy and that somehow I have failed that little guy across the sea. Dare I say, I really thought I was in control. I am grateful for the unexpected email exchange that led me to this post by a friend of mine who once struggled with the same situation:

“And then it hit me: I was irritated with God for interrupting my plans to serve Him.

I realized that I had a decision to make. I could either continue in my misery and believe the lie that this pregnancy was a mistake. OR I could choose to follow Jesus. I could believe the truth that this child was chosen by God, that his/her days were planned at the creation of the world, and that he/she is a blessing.”

So I held onto Jesus by a thread { God forgive me} and trucked through my emotions while slowly processing what was happening inside of me. My theory of the immaculate conception and baby jesus just made me sound crazy… but did leave a good chuckle right before christmas within our home. My search for the bright shining star over our house  was comical to say the least.

With the crazy morning sickness that lasted 24 hours a day… I found myself in a funk. My photographywork was slipping behind, my kids ate more mac n cheese than humanly acceptable, my husband had become my personal servant every waking hour he was home from work and a part of me was pushing through a form of depression as a FLOOD of emotions hit me.

I didn’t need a psychologist to analyze me, it was pretty clear what was happening… unknowingly I suppressed a lot of emotions when I was pregnant with Grady. I wanted to be strong for him at the time and for everyone else sharing our journey so I forged through… upon learning of this new bundle…I started processing feelings I thought were long gone in regards to pregnancy…fear, anxiety and the abrupt realization that I no longer lived in this ideal pregnancy bubble world where sparkles and excitement beam from my eyes. Don’t get my wrong,  WE would be thrilled for another child with Down Syndrome, heck that was our goal with the adoption. But the emotional turmoil of pregnancy and the unknown again well it just racks my brain and psyche. Every trip to the bathroom became a routine check for miscarriage followed by more guilt for my lack of faith.

I live in the Truth, I have seen with my own eyes… His good and perfect Gift and Plan (no matter the circumstances). I need Jesus more than ever… I don’t need a sermon… I know the Truth… it forever lives in me like a sweet song…. I just needed to marinate over this and process it in my own timing… because I am still human, flawed and emotional {dare I say hormonal, eek I hate that word}.

So we waited to share the news until our excitement had finally reached everyone’s else’s excitement for us. A few weeks ago, with my cherished friend {Grady’s delivery nurse Jodi} by my side at my ultrasound at 13.5 weeks I saw tiny feet kicking, tiny hands moving around the mouth… a beautiful long spine and tiny nose. I saw a baby.  I was pregnant. {I needed an ultrasound to confirm what we had known since christmas}

Paul was excited as always…. and Jodi, the same woman who had held my hand through Grady’s birth was the emotional support I needed to start moving out of denial. I was moving towards…

excitement.

Today at 16+ weeks we are sharing the joy of a new journey with you. Today I have hope  and as the days go on a sense of peace has come over me. This is the Plan right now… and the journey across the sea, well that’s in HIS timing…when that day comes we will be ready.

It’s time to continue on to making Grady a big brother and Mason an even bigger brother 😉

With all that being said, I have much more to blog about regarding my decision about pre-natal testing and… Boy or Girl?… and a few other pregnant ladies and hoping to be pregnant ladies in my life and some exciting milestones for Grady.

****We want to throw in our full support for Sweet Simon in effort to help him find his forever family {whoever and where ever they might be} I am committed to seeing his adoption fund grow….giving him a better chance of coming home sooner than later. He just had his second birthday would you join me with donating $5, $10 or whatever you are led to or can at this moment! You are saving him with every dollar! CLICK HERE to make a tax deductable & safe donation.***

Let us know you helped with Simon so we can thank you!

one more thing…

VOTE FOR GRADY to be in the TOP 25 on Circle of Mom’s Blog Vote! We are holding steady at 30…..It takes a second and is super easy!

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21 thoughts on “Nestled Within. {warning : Raw Emotions}

  1. Erin says:

    Congrats Erin! Every baby is a blessing but with every one comes worry too and it’s perfectly normal and right to have those feelings. I remember thinking during my pregnancy “What was I thinking!” but I am so blessed and happy to have all three of my kiddos! Love your pictures, you are gorgeous!

  2. Lara Font says:

    congratulations!!!!! God has the perfect plan – So excited for you all!! Praying for a a healthy baby first and foremost, but I’m pulling secretly for a girl 🙂 XO my friend

  3. Ilisa Sykora Ailts says:

    Congratulations! I imagine you’re feelings and think it is a blessing you can support adoption in another way! Children need that support in more ways than one.

    I am very happy and excited for your family! 3 is a nice number 😉

  4. Shauna says:

    Congratulations! Great post as always. I have so been there…even the part about the immaculate conception because…well I was sure we didn’t… 🙂 I remember working through all those emotions too until I reached the excited part, what an experience to grow with God! You look beautiful and I look forward to hearing more!

  5. Naomi Rice says:

    Congrats Erin! I am so excited for you and your family.. I know God has a family for Simon as well. He always manages to blow my mind every time I finally give in and put my trust in him. But it is much easier said then done!

  6. elisabeth says:

    As I read your post, it brought back so many memories of when I found out I was pregnant again last year. It took a lot of fighting to trust God that his plan was perfect for our lives – that we weren’t finished having biological children, that we wouldn’t be adopting any time soon, and that I would walk through the next nine months with the realization that God, in his sovereignty and love for us, might give us another biological child with special needs. It was such a fight to trust God and his kindness and love toward our family. But, every day I see how kind God was to bless us with a third child. And we still pray that God will open up the door for adoption at a later date – it just won’t be the child we had initially prayed about adopting.

    Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing this.

  7. Adrienne says:

    Congrats Erin!! I’ve been worried about you, not really knowing what’s been going on. You’ve got some exciting times ahead! It’s all in God’s plan and we have to trust that Simon is in God’s hands. I’m so happy for you and way to go Grady on the walking!!

    • Erin Ski! says:

      thanks A! So, sweet raleigh is calling my name next week …ill be around the area for a few days with just the boys…would love to meet up! ill message you on fb!

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