I wonder…

I had some deep moments of despair during our pregnancy, the unknown and fear that crept quietly into my mind. The devil kept tapping me on my shoulder and the second I turned my face from Jesus to turn I spiraled into crying fits of chest pounding & groaning cries. Where did this noise come from? It was a foreign cry pulling from an uncharted place. (<- see prenatal post)

Ever since Grady has arrived, I no longer cry out of desperation.  God is good, he delivered me from that the day Grady was put into my arms. Any tears shed now are from intense love. But those new and uncharted territories my emotions venture into from time to time have turned into this longing to hold Grady spontaneously. Out of nowhere I will jump out of bed and have this deep sense of need to wrap my arms around him. Anxiously I get my Grady Fix, my heart starts beating slower and all is well.  He is here with me now, it’s ok.

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m not one to go around and self-diagnosing myself, but I wonder if it is a form of post traumatic stress. Fortunately for me my cure to this anxious, needy, intense longing is quickly fixed with God at my side and Grady in my arms.  It is intense.

Whew good thing, Grady man sleeps in a crib near by. (or on the occasion right next to me) …I wonder if anyone else with a prenatal diagnosis experienced this?

I just wanted to take a hot minute to tell you that God is moving in our little family right now, a lot. It’s incredible and hard to describe, but we see big changes coming our way, moving in our soul and ready to burst with more praise and thanks than ever before.  I love Transformation. I love Jesus.

Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2


11 thoughts on “I wonder…

  1. Ilisa Ailts says:

    Precious picture! I too have those moments and thinking of it makes me want to grab him and take him to bed with me so I know he truly exists.

  2. Aunt Jess says:

    How much does Grady look like Mason in that picture?!?! I just can’t stand the cuteness! Are you sure it isn’t illegal to be so darn kissable?!?!

  3. Adrienne says:

    Yes! I have those same feelings! Just last night, even though I’ve been frustrated with how Bennett is doing with his milestones, I went in his room and got him out of his crib and thought I really want to just have him in my bed tonight but this goes against my parenting style and I’m just not used to having a baby in my bed! But one of these nights I’m going to do it! I do go in his room every night, as I do with all my kids and check on him but with him I stay longer, just rubbing his back and stroking his hair. There is definitely something so special about our boys. I don’t really like the angel comparison but I just can’t help but think that sometimes. The way Bennett looks at me is different from my girls and the way he can take me from feeling so down to feeling on top the world is truly amazing!

    Grady is just too precious!!!

    Excited to hear how God is working in your lives-whenever you’re ready to share;)

    • Erin Ski! says:

      Adrienne- you know it, that is awesome we are on the same page. Paul, is always so supportive of me when I say I need Grady in bed with me tonight, its soo good for my soul. SO Funny because I never did that with Mason. We are so blessed. Will be sharing soon btw 🙂

  4. Jill says:

    I love this post.
    I too blogged about this feeling recently…
    Did you know the Bible talks about this very thing?
    God must have been thinking about us moms who have kids with Ds.
    In fact I’m sure of it.
    Psalm 30:11 “Thou hast turned my mourning into dancing; Thou hast put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness”

    That’s the (KJV) scripture I remembered learning as a child
    I get emotional as I read your post, and mine as well when I get to the end of it and read the scripture again..and can’t even finish without getting completely choked up.
    The Message version of this same scripture is this;
    You did it! You changed wild lament into whirling dance;
    Your ripped off my black mourning band
    and decked me with wildflowers.
    I’m about to burst with song;
    I can’t keep quiet about You.
    God, my God
    I can’t thank You enough.

    • Erin Ski! says:

      Jill- this scripture brought me to tears today, you are right God knows what he is doing, and he is moving within me like never before. I am going to sing praises with this scripture, thank you for blessing me sooo much today with it. I can’t keep Quiet about God lately either, this scripture is relevant and truth.

  5. kate says:

    I was just listening to a Joyce Meyer message and one of the things she was talking about was “drive through break throughs.” We always seem to want change to come easily-to drive up to a window and have the chance and transformation that we need handed to us with no cost and no difficulty. But those of us that have gone through hard times…really hard times (isn’t that all of us?) have a different mentality which is “go through, get through” and arrive at a much more meaningful transformation. From the beginning of this journey it sounded like God was bringing you through, to change you, to use you, to transform you (and your family)—and because you are LISTENING, I am confident that He will continue to use you in ways you guys never expected! ly! (and love that picture of Grady!)

  6. Libby says:

    God is so good and no doubt has great plans for you, Grady and your entire family. And that special love you feel for your Grady, I too feel it with our Charlie. It is so difficult to put into words, but my mama heart knows it and feels it in every cell of my body. And if our sweet babes aren’t enough to remind us of His goodness, His word always seems to do the trick – that is one of my favorite verses – it seems to sum up this whole journey. A renewal.

  7. Jennie says:

    I’m guessing the initials RR have something to do with your big changes. But… it’s just a guess. 🙂
    Regarding the other stuff… my own personal analysis (as I have similar attachment issues with Micah, though he hasn’t slept in our room since he was really little)… the existence of Micah, the prenatal diagnosis with all of its pains… Micah showed me “me”… the good, the bad, and the ugly. He checks my soul and my heart. No other situation or person brought me to my knees like this little guy did (and does). He makes me rely more on Jesus. I still get crazy thinking about what could have happened in April.

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