It’s almost been a year since I first heard the word mentioned. I cringe now like never before, because all of a sudden a word that once was so distant to my thoughts was now relevant to my very own life. A word so earth trembling it makes my Jesus- Lovin’ mother bear soul shake with pain. Pain for the babies who never got a chance. Pain for the mommy’s who never had a chance. Pain for the word a Doctor reasoned an option for my own son. Pain because I often think of the word when I see my beautiful baby boy.
So I have these flashback and my world trembles. When I think of the joy that Grady brings us i’m brought to solid ground again. I hold him close to me sometimes rubbing our cheeks together, I take a deep breath of his sweet smell, or I nibble on his cute toes. I am grounded again. Never forgetting to take the opportunity to praise Jesus in the midst of it all.
As one year since our prenatal diagnosis was delivered gets closer, i’ve been in a state of reflection. I’ll be in the shower lately (usually one of the only completely peaceful moments in my day) and I’ll flashback to sitting in the Doctor Office and having him offer up Abortion. (washing my hair for the third time as I think)… How so easily the word Abortion flew out of the Doctor’s worldly tongue, how he said he was sorry while giving me a timetable for death. To be honest it actually haunts me from time to time. How could it not when looking into Grady’s beautiful eyes? It’s a reality I live with, an experience we lived through, a reality I thought I would share. Sharing is: Advocacy.
From time to time when I think about the prenatal delivery at our original OB’s office and at the Genetics Counselor’s office, I am shaken. It puts me into a prayful state pretty quickly. ..and while our reaction was steadfast and direct that it was not an option…his fidgety counter response from our abrupt “asbolutley Not” reaction was a failed attempt to salvage his diagnosis delivery with a few positive thoughts, none of which mattered after already offering our child up for slaughter.
It haunts and torments me to think his life is deamed unworthy in certain eyes of the “world”. His warm soft skin, his infectious laugh and breath taking eyes are everything Jesus intended them to be.
I need more Jesus, more prayer when I have these thoughts. I am sure of that.
1. In no way could I of had the same OB practice deliver our son into this world with the joy & celebration that he so deserved that offered up Abortion a few months prior. So I switched OB practices. One of the best decisions I made prenatally.
2. Soon, I plan on writing an open letter to our original OB Practice, including our son’s picture and the “Prenatal Diagnosis of Down Syndrome: How Best to Deliver the News” written by the American Journal of Medical Genetics, in my effort to promote better procedures to delivering a pre-natal diagnosis in their practice. (based out of a christian/catholic hospital) Great Article Check it out!
3. Knowing Jesus remains to be a driving force in my advocacy and experience healing, I am pro-Jesus (broken down into Pro-life, Pro- forgiveness, Pro-Hope)
4. I have slowly started to push my frustrations aside with the diagnosis delivery and start praying for that Doctor and practice and their openness to accept my letter. I hope our one year anniversary & my letter will be part of the closure for me.
5. God is Good (<—Grady’s Secret Post)
Doing what I know how to do, a form or therapy for me, This is how my flashbacks play out…