Feeling Alone…GodWink… Yes


From time to time,  out of nowhere I have a moment.  We took a trip the Shore over the weekend for my Sister-in-law’s wedding and were able to catch a beach day as a family the following day. Grady’s eyes didn’t care for the salty ocean wind as his eyes became watery as we sat out on the hot beach. Even in the shade protected from the wind he seamed so uncomfortable, so I retreated to the family’s condo and sat inside the majority of the day. I welcomed this break just to hold Grady and feed him without the responsibility of chasing our two year old all over the beach. Paul and I delegated our responsibilities and so it was. It was quite the reminder of how life has changed from the days of  “gee how much tanning oil should I apply this hour!”.

Later in the day as it cooled off, I tried again to head back out to the beach. I set up shop in the shade and laid Grady on the blanket.  I sat next to  woman with a three month old, this little baby was holding his head up, could bear weight on his legs and stand up with assistance and was just exploring his surroundings. My Grady doesn’t do any of these things. And as I know all things come in time, and I am ok with that, sometimes I feel so alone. I felt alone on the beach for a moment, alone with Grady. These feelings of lonliness sneak up on me and prove to be a sinking feeling. I kept up my cheery demeanor for the surrounding family members excited to see Grady out on the beach. But inside I was feeling heavy, anxious and alone.

I guess I kiss him on the forehead a lot, this was on the beach at the Wedding!

So I did what I only knew how, I decided to pray for a short second. I picked Grady up onto my lap. His precious little head leaned forward, instead of checking out the people all around him he focuses on playing with his hands, I softly kissed his head. I kept my lips locked on his sweet head and closed my eyes. As I lifted my head after praying for strength and giving praise for my healthy son, I slowly opened my eyes and looked up. Between the two older strangers sitting to my right, my eyes locked upon a little girl rocking back and forth. She appeared to have Down Syndrome. Wouldn’t you know God was listening to me. Between the  Jersey Shore first pumping beach bar that we were sitting in front of,  the swarms of bikini clad girls strutting up and down the beach or the techno music that echoed down the shoreline…God was listening, and in impeccable timing and by no mistake placed within a few feet from me a sweet little girl. I couldn’t make this up if I tried…  That alone feeling I felt was wiped clear.

And that typical little 3 month old boy, well his mother just kept coming up to me and inquiring about how old Grady was, does he sleep through the night ect…. questions that where a smoke screen to the real question she was trying to ask…does he have down Down Syndrome.  I get it… I knew where she was going, so I put T21 out there and as my inkling was correct she said …she knew. She was a Special Ed teacher and first time mother of that little 3 month old.  She was sweet and kind and wanted to know all about our Grady! Perfectly placed, genuinly interested, and a sweet soul.  The nature and openess of our conversation allowed me to ask about the little girl sitting with their company at the beach. I was informed that although all her physical characteristics match with that of Down Syndrome, she in fact had a deletion of one of her chromosomes making her only 1 in 4 in the world to have this specific chromosomal structuring.

I pray to a loving God, I pray to a God who listens, and for all the times that he answers me with “No”, he does answer with a “Yes”. My  “Yes” came in the form of another little girl on the beach who wasn’t  typical. My “yes” came in the form of the Special Ed teach who wanted to meet my Grady. My “Yes” came when God lifted me up in his presence at the same time I felt alone, at the same time I lifted my head from a moment of Prayer… just when I needed Him.

GODWINK

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15 thoughts on “Feeling Alone…GodWink… Yes

  1. Kelly says:

    What a beautiful post! I just love reading things like this. Isn’t it funny how even though we have a brief encounter with our heavy heart, something like this happens and makes our hearts float again??!!

    EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON!!!

    Erin, these pics are beautiful and those boys of yours just get more handsome EVERY DAY….(if that’s possible)!!!

  2. sheena Greene says:

    How is it that you always make me cry! =D
    I will joyfully cry these happy tears for you!! I am so amazed at how the Lord works in our lives and what sweet ways he shows us he has not forgotten us!
    Thank you so much for this Erin!! Rejoicing!!

  3. Tara says:

    Love the story! I have to wonder how alone the mom of the little girl feels, knowing there are only 3 others in the world experiencing life as she does. Wow.

    As I read this, I realized that my heart is heavy, too. It reminded me to pray. Thanks.

  4. Adrienne says:

    So amazing Erin! Gave me chills! I know exactly how you felt and I too need to remind myself to turn to God, not in just those situations but in all situations;) Thanks for sharing!

  5. Lara says:

    awesome post!! LOVE when God gives us these moments! I understand the loneliness and feel it often. Although I know we are never alone!!! God is always with us and when we don’t feel him..and there are lots of blog friends here to send hugs and love your way! XO

  6. Patti says:

    I’ve been right there too. And it always seems to come from comparing…either to a baby without ds or my other babies at this age- and sometimes even to a baby WITH ds! I don’t know if you follow Kelle Hampton’s blog, but her baby is just a week younger than Lily. And doing so much more. I really have a hard time sometimes, wondering if I’m “doing enough” for Lily. Thank God for an awesome husband who listens to my concerns and says “It’s okay, babe- she’s our little Lily and we love her!” There is so much love in his voice, it brings me back to the truth- I don’t want any other baby:)
    Love the photo of you and Grady on the beach- he is a doll!!

  7. Ilisa Ailts says:

    You are not alone. As I sit in the NICU, I think about those other babies and though I do not know why they are there, I think we’re the only ones in with Ds and it feels very lonely. I cannot help but think “well, those premies will grow and be typical and do all the things I had once hoped for”. It is a dangerous place to be and you know and I know that. That is why you turn to God and listen for His “yes”; His answer. I will recall your post as I encounter times like these.

  8. Elissa says:

    Erin-Thank you for your honesty once again. Your post here and past posts help me to refocus my feelings, uncertainties, fears on the joys, the beauty, and the gift of my baby girl.

  9. Melissa says:

    I love how God delivered his ‘yes’. It was exactly what you needed, and a great reminder for me. That in the times we feel alone, this is when we need to spend time with Him the most.

  10. Jennifer says:

    Sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, to say…I KNOW what you mean. I’ve been struggling with this now and again also (with FOUR good friends who recently had babies within weeks of me.) And, Wow. God is good. All the time!

  11. Courtney Borquet says:

    I came across your blog and really enjoyed reading it.
    Your family is beautiful. My little boy was born with Down Syndrome Aug 2009.
    The “God winks” he has given me with the last year and 9 mths have been a blessing. 🙂
    I also graduated fom UNCW and lived in Wrightsville Beach until 2000.

  12. P says:

    Yes, we have those too including meeting and chatting with two people with DS in one outing (for Daddy and his siblings) at nine days old and the first one was at our front gate. Many other G-doincindences that THAT obvious but yet, certainly not less NEEDED. Keep sharing them!

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