In what seems to be your darkest hour in the trials of life have you ever fallen to your knees? and upon that fall have your knees hit the dirt and your finger nails scrape the sand and stone desperatley trying to make a grasp. And when your lifted your hands up did the sand fall through the cracks of your fingers leaving your feeling so very unsettled and unprotected? I guess that’s what my life looks like when dealing with bigger issues when I don’t put Jesus first. And that does happen to me as I am so far from where I am want to be and going, but my yearning heart for the Lord remains steadfast.
In the early days of my prenatal diagnosis, I thank the Good Lord that after finding out about our triple screen results and I circled the house in disillusion my knees hit the grass that day. My hands dug into the green strands of many, the roots ran deep and I found strength. I was enveloped in a sense of peace. That is how it should be. And as I remember asking God, Why? I realized that my hands didn’t reach out for God as I envisioned so clearly (as my blog is so eloquently titled), he had his hand on me all along, he was there in the deepest roots of the earth holding my hand through those blades of grass…he was there.
So here I am today, not exempt from life’s trials and if I was I would clearly be in Heaven. No, I am here still dealing, configuring, pushing through and praying. I am here.
Recently, I was informed of the space that people have given me as they justified their absence since Grady’s birth and the possibility of their uncomfortableness in the whole “situation”. The distance, the silence it has brought my knees to the dirty gravel one too many times……And I have come to this conclusion, what makes my son Different is not his extra chromosome, it is the way some choose to react to him. It is not his beautiful almond shaped eyes but the “typical” Eyes that are judging him. It is not the way my son will talk, it is the way some people talk about him. It is not how long my son may take to walk, it is how people have chosen to walk away from us. I have a new outlook on what is different. I thank the Lord, for granting me Grady so I may see things a bit clearer, learning to forgive others, and most of all learning about what we will do different about our lives to raise our family up in the Lord.