The other “F” word.
My New Definition of the word …Fail: to be humbled; to give up control to God; a challenge; to accept
Failing is something that I have dealt with in life whether it be failed friendships, a failed test or two in college, failure to complete a project or my knee rehabilitation, failure to admit when I’m wrong… ect… but I am 25, I can handle it and when I couldn’t I could accept responsibility and with time work past it, not to mention correct it if possible. For example: begging my college professor to allow me a retake, picking up a project three years later and finally completing it, or asking for forgiveness in that friendship I let slip away. Sometimes I was able to “fix” the failure. And the power of control that came from my attempts brought peace to any situation.
So today I am humbled by the word “fail” as never before..
Failure looked differently today. It was but one of the first examples before my life where I have to be open to the idea that God is in control of Grady’s body. Post-natal.
We had our Hearing Screening Re-check. At the hospital he failed in his left ear, they assured me it probably was fluid and with a re-check he would most likely pass. As a I sat there in the audiology sound booth today, I looked over at the Dr.’s notes as he hurridly wrote them down as the computer was spitting out results. Then there it was, first the left ear then the right ear: Failed written down. As a new mother holding her precious baby boy, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of helplessness. This wasn’t the type of failure I was familiar with when associated to something so near and dear to my life. I had no control over his pass or fail, I could not fix it, I could not will it away, or beg for a passing grade for his ears. I just sat there with Grady sound asleep in my arms thinking to myself how he was so unaware that he just took a test all he wanted to do is sleep.
Just as the test was over the Dr. placed his clip board down next to where we were seated, and the sound made Grady Jump! Ha, he can hear. Ha, this story isn’t over yet. Take that audiology machine dated from before I was born. Ha.
We have been pretty lucky so far when it comes to Grady’s health, besides clog tear ducts and a little bout with jaundice, the last two weeks have been full of Blessings. First the Genetics doctor told us he was extremely alert and aware for his age & diagnosis, then the Pediatric Cardiologist gave us the 2 thumbs up for a perfectly healthy heart, then the pediatrician said he was a spunky healthy kid…
Grady’s hearing could have failed because his ear drums are so small that the sound is fully unable to get to the ear drums. So next week we go back for an EEG to measure how is brain waves react to sound. That is one week for prayer, one week of hands to be laid on his tiny little ears. One week to be humbled before God.
It is a different kind of failure, my first to deal with given his diagnosis, and possibly not his last. It comes as a challenge to me and my control issues, it comes as a challenge to my heart as a mother. But, God works wonders, and his Will will be done on his little ears.