I have been laying low these last few days, insomnia has been keeping me up at nights and my mornings are dragging with exhaustion. I am a bit more relaxed knowing that their is an end in sight if I dont go into labor on my own. Grady’s Birthday will be the 26th….
Mason is down for his nap, and I wanted to blog a bit about something that I am fighting, I like to call it the “bubble effect”. I have been meaning to write about it before Grady is born, because it is something I am struggling with and just can’t seem to work past. I am a pretty open person rather outgoing yet I find myself wanting to enclose myself in a bubble when Grady is born. My husband and I are going to the hospital by ourselves… whenever that day shall be. We want to rely on God and each-other to get us through this, the ultimate bonding experience for our Marriage. That plan is a given, but I am so urged to control who comes to see us there after birth. (I believe I have hinted in the past my control issues, they are fighting their way back to the forefront) I think it comes with the apprehension of not knowing how things are going to be. I am not mad at myself for my desire to jump in a bubble, I feel it is a bit of the intense mother bear in me, and being a bit selfish in my thoughts of bonding with him. I am merely comfortable at this point in time with a very very select few, my comfort zone…
These last few days I have been living by text messages as a primary way of communicating with some people, because I am drained. I am drained when it comes to talking about all the excitement that is Grady. So I text or email. I hint towards my grumpiness in hopes that everyone will understand, I am drained, no more talking… Don’t get me wrong, I am excited, in my own way.(I don’t know if that makes sense unless you have been there) I am excited to move forward. I don’t want to exclude anyone, nor do I want to push away any support, I am just scared. That is the inner-workings of the devil. By giving in to him, I am removing myself farther away from where I want to be.. Closer to God. I want to break through the walls or bubbles I am so desperate to jump in. Tonight I am going to write some of my favorite versus down from the bible on index cards to bring with. I kindly ask for prayers in this area.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Moving forward, I am overjoyed on the other hand because I am steadfast in God’s Promise for our life and that of Grady’s, I will not falter in knowing and believing that. Just working through these emotions and this new life experience.