Ok so today’s Dr Appt. was pretty good, I am still in the early stages of dilation, but that is a start. Contractions are still strong and regular. NST test looked great. My doctor told me she doesn’t think I will make it through the week more or less 48 hours. (I wonder if she was giving me hope or she is a fortune teller, ho humm) Tonight I am feeling like a week is more likely. A part of me is excited about this, the other part scared. This is an honest confession. How do you truly prepare for what you are soooo very unfamiliar with. Somedays I feel like I am giving birth to my first child all over again, but this time with a twist. We had an ultrasound today, and Grady Man’s legs fell behind again in the growth chart, every-time I get these updates I find of a part of me that is still grieving. (Ugh) I guess the whole “leg growth or femur bone measurements” thing gets me at a personal level because I in my “glory days” basked in my athleticism and long legs that carried me so fast and brought me so far… But that was me, and these feelings are all too understandable I know, when I continue let go of what we imagined our Son to be before a Diagnosis. I have no doubt that Grady will inherit a part of that atheltic fire from his mom and dad and show us in someway …Grady’s Way. I am anxious to learn his gifts. The unknown is vast, I must stay rooted. (repeat)
Paul and I had our final Date Night before Grady gets here. Picked out Grady’s Take home outfit, bought him his first stuffed animal to bring to the hospital, a play mat, a waterfall sound & sight machine to put in his crib ect… We hit the movies and ate all the popcorn we could fit in. I was proud of our accomplishment to finish the large bag before the movie started. “The Lovely Bones” was the last novel I read for enjoyment a few years back, while I sat on the beach in North Carolina. I gave the movie two thumbs up, so did Paul. On the way home from the movies, we jumped in Paul’s big blue pick up truck and he sang to me the whole ride home. Half way through our ride, he turned on the console light and showed me a picture that he had tucked under his visor. It was of me and him from 8 years ago, when we were seniors in high school, when we were just best friends. < Paul Inserts Don Henly CD ” End of The Innocence” > I lost it, I cried with overwhelming feeling of how the times have changed, but of how I couldn’t imagine it with any one else. Our journey together is really about to take flight… We have weathered the storm of 4 combat missions to the middle east while Paul was in the Corps, together we made it… the idea of a tiny little baby can’t shake us now… his reassurance and support are unwavering. Oh and his ability to throw mushy songs in with impeccable timing is always appreciated. God Bless his patience with me these days.
I went for a long walk this morning and will do it again tomorrow (just a small way to nudge the process along). While on my walk, I ran across a small stream and a Blue Heron that was startled by my presence and took flight with my approach. In perfect timing, I caught it flying very low down the curved and disappearing stream. In the midst of winter here in NY, the bare trees, the icicles and breathe that crossed my sight, was a peaceful moment for me today. I thanked God for the beauty in it. I wished I had my camera but at 9 months long walks and big cameras don’t go hand in hand.
It was the calm before a beautiful storm….