As time pushes closer, I feel so unprepared. When I was expecting my first son, I thought I had it all in the bag, I was over confident with not only my mothering potential but my preparation of “baby stuff” was all in place ever so perfectly. So why am I sitting here lately, just thinking something is missing this time around. Should I make a check list? I thought all day today about what more could I possibly do to meet this new baby’s needs. Do I have enough stimulating newborn Gear to get him engaged in the world right off the start. After deep thought and reflection, I have come to know that this feeling of uneasiness is coming from the fear of the uknown…and that checklist is missing something, It’s time to do the final preparations of my motherly heart. That is what is keeping me feeling unprepared, because I have spent a bit too much time worrying about Stimulating Mobiles, Silly gadgets to hang from his stroller and breathable bumpers. But what Grady needs most is my Whole Heart and my Love ..( I am not doubting my capacity to love, I am being honest about a new experience that no doubt places me out of my comfort zone) How do I go about preparing for the unknown of Grady Wayne? How will I react when I finally see with my own eyes Grady’s Secret?
I have been so honest with my Husband recently about my fear of these first few moments, I asked him to be patient with me in whatever way I need. If that means I need time with just Grady and him for a few days without interruption from others, then so be it… For all I know, and for all that I pray it might be the most beautiful experience yet in my life. This is what I pray for. I pray to God for it to be everything that he has planned for me as a mother. He chose me for this path so I have to continue to put my trust in him :: he will be holding my hand on Grady’s Appointed day to arrive, he will be holding my heart. I know this because I gave it to him when I was saved….
As I pray and take alone time with God…for some reason I am so drawn to the story of Moses in the Old Testament. It is powerful beyond words and has made me feel so assured of God’s Plan and Purpose. I feel so moved by this passage that my hope in sharing it is bounding with excitement for anyone who can read this. (I told my husband I will control my urge to rename Grady to Moses, I am that inspired, so maybe his nickname will be Mo)
Moses was Made by God in his image, just as you and I ( Moses was Perfectly Imperfect with a Speech Disability and lack of eloquence, stemming from something we do not know) Yet he was Chosen by God to deliver the Good and all Powerful Word. He was given divine instructions by the Lord to not only speak on his behalf as a Witness, but He was sent by the Lord to free his people. To know already that with T21, Grady will have one form or another of a disability and to know that God knew Exactly what he was doing in his molding and creation of my son in my womb, assures me of his Greater Purpose.
EXODUS 4: 10-17
10 Moses said to the Lord, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” 11 The LORD said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”13 But Moses said, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.” 14 Then the LORD’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you. 15You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. 16 He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. 17 But take this staff in your hand so you can perform miraculous signswith it.”
He will Provide, He will Guide, He will send Helpers along the Way. Although Grady’s Purpose may not be splitting the Red Sea or transforming Water into Blood, Through this passage I am at peace that his purpose for Grady is far greater than I know. He knew what he was doing when he added that extra 21st Chromosome. I am exicted to meet his helpers along the way. As Aaron was to Moses, I hope I can be to Grady on his Birth Day. I will speak for him, advocate for him, and Love on him in the best way I know how. Preparing my heart in the way God has planned and the way God desires.
Spending time on this passage is yet another way to finally check that last “to do” on my heart checklist.
Today I finished the beautiful book “Gifts” (A collection of personal stories written by other Blessed Parents of a T21 Child). The stories inspired me as well. I cherish their experiences.
Update: Grady is still showing signs that the day is near. Contractions are still strong, the Doc informed me tuesday that I have started to Dilate, and I my ankles have turned in to swollen stumps over night. Bag is packed and my doctor is on-call this weekend. Ya never know. I was given a lovely little shower at the High School I tutor for (that I once attended). They didn’t have to do that, and well it was a wonderful expression of their support for Grady and our new Journey, Their Love and Support touched my heart in ways I have a hard time expressing. It is moments like today that I feel OK about Grady’s diagnosis, because he has a room full of people waiting to love on him already. A room full of people who don’t have to care or take interest, but they do. Today was Unexpected Joy.