Today I am 30 weeks pregnant, wow. I feel as if time is flying by and soon enough I will get to stare into the eyes of God again. You know those first moments after your child is born, where everything in the world fades away except the little miracle in your arms. I am ready for that moment, oh so very ready. I am feeling well, gaining a lot of weight, but I am happy. Recently my mother in law visited us and brought us two wonderful books about Down’s one of them was “Gifts” and the other is “Babies with Down Syndrome: a new parent’s guide”. They are wonderful books and as I really began to dive into them I stopped and reflected for a moment. During my reflection I re-read my blog and a few other blogs and made a quick decision. No more reading till after Christmas! I decided to soak up everything pregnancy has to offer, the sweet moments with Grady while he is kicking my belly, letting Mason give his little brother kisses and calling him by his name, that extra scoop of ice cream, and enjoying the kindness of a stranger opening the door for me. It is in my nature as a mother to want to know everything I can about Grady before he is born and by reading books I felt like I was doing that, when in essence it often brought me to a place of confusion and fear. So, instead I decided to put the wonderful new books down, take a few extra moments to pray and be with God, and really embrace my pregnancy. One thing that hasn’t changed is my willingness to speak about Grady and share the news of how we were hand-picked for this super special mission to be his parents.
All aside, I am not running from my diagnosis rather embracing it in a whole new way: acceptance for what will now be my version of “normal”. I continue to talk about Grady and his condition openly with anyone who would like, or when an opportunity arises. For the most part, it has been good (the whole sharing bit) but time and time again, I hear that people just don’t believe it. I think that is funny because I wonder to myself, well why not? am I not deserving of a special needs child? I am no different then the next mother of a child with Downs. Some with Christian influence would not like to speak the words upon my child’s condition without seeing it for themselves. I have the blood test results, I have the amnio results, and I have the genetic make-up written down in black and white, so when I hear the disbelief I am forced to wonder. At this point I feel so blessed to be chosen by God, that the .6% of a false/positive rarely crosses my mind to be taken up on as possible truth. In whatever way god has prepared him, I will love him.
I have been SOOO busy these last few weeks. I tutor 6th-12thgrade for the school district that I grew up in. I facilitate work to students who are out on medical or suspension every day for two hours per student. I always make my schedule around Mason and Paul, allowing for little third party babysitting intervening. I go to the kid’s houses and have an influential one on one homework session with them. I enjoy my job, and usually tutor about 15 -20 per week, it has allowed me to make a difference (most of the time) and most days I feel less like a tutor and more like a glorified social worker/counselor. On top of that I am still running my photography business and am sitting at my computer to all hours of the night editing and emailing. Not to mention taking care of Mason, and juggling joining our church and spending time with paul. Oy, I am so ready to just take a few months to be mommy again, straight up mommy and wife. Grady will be a welcome change for us all. As much as I want to stay at home full time, the money that we are making right now is in attempt to get a bit ahead or just break even before baby comes.
Monday of next week we go for another Ultrasound/stress test/ tour of the Childrens Hospital/Dr. Appt! Cannot wait!