Today was a day filled with Bad Seconds, Someday’s reality hits me across the face. The reality of the uknown, I sometimes let fear wiggle its way into my mind and it manifests itself in the oddest way. I have a burst of heart pounding, deep crying (a type of cry I have never experienced or heard out of my own body) It is real and true as if it is my sould crying. It sounds the same everytime, and is uncontrollable for a few minutes then goes away. I literally feel my heart hurting. I have had my share of moments of crying in my life for all sorts of reasons from silly , sad to mad… but none as this, I am thinking it is my motherly desperation expression of sadness. To know that your little child could have so many different challenges before they are born triggers a maternal (perhaps) reaction that I just can’t shake. I have read literature about a mourning period that some parents go through after finding out their child will not be what they envision them to be, but I am not too sure that this would explain my bad seconds. I would describe it as overwhelming love from my baby boy.
Yes, I can be strong and firm in my faith and relationship with God. I know he won’t give me more than I can handle, but I am still human, a fallen child and my weaknesses defeats me somedays to the point where I feel lost. I have resources to turn to, I know where the support is, I have a loving husband (who often gets the brunt of my confusion and stress, often in an unhealthy manner) but it really doesn’t matter during those seconds what anyone says, its something that I am going through, that I will deal with. I spent an hour reading a book on DS today and I began to feel so helpless, and that of course is a clear cause of my many Bad Seconds day. Facts, facts, facts.. as much as I want to be prepared, I also want to ignore all of the “if’s” “could be’s” “percentages” “life spans”, well atleast for tonight, all done for one day.
So tonight as I go to bed, I am grateful that Grady is happy to be swimming around in my belly. Tonight I know he is safe and unaware and content, I’m just not ready today to take it all in, but i’m working on that…. tomorrow im counting on some really good seconds to get me through.