good second…Bad Second

Today was a day filled with Bad Seconds, Someday’s reality hits me across the face. The reality of the uknown, I sometimes let fear wiggle its way into my mind and it manifests itself in the oddest way. I have a burst of heart pounding, deep crying (a type of cry I have never experienced or heard out of my own body) It is real and true as if it is my sould crying. It sounds the same everytime, and is uncontrollable for a few minutes then goes away. I literally feel my heart hurting. I have had my share of  moments of crying in my life for all sorts of reasons from silly , sad to mad… but none as this, I am thinking it is my motherly desperation expression of sadness. To know that your little child could have so many different challenges before they are born triggers a maternal (perhaps) reaction that I just can’t shake. I have read literature about a mourning period that some parents go through after finding out their child will not be what they envision them to be, but I am not too sure that this would explain my bad seconds. I would describe it as overwhelming love from my baby boy.

Yes, I can be strong and firm in my faith and relationship with God. I know he won’t give me more than I can handle, but I am still human, a fallen child and my weaknesses defeats me somedays to the point where I feel  lost. I have resources to turn to, I know where the support is, I have a loving husband (who often gets the brunt of my confusion and stress, often in an unhealthy manner) but it really doesn’t matter during those seconds what anyone says, its something that I am going through, that I will deal with.  I spent an hour reading a book on DS today and I began to feel so helpless, and that of course is a clear cause of my many Bad Seconds day. Facts, facts, facts.. as much as I want to be prepared, I also want to ignore all of the “if’s” “could be’s” “percentages” “life spans”, well atleast for tonight, all done for one day.

 So tonight as I go to bed, I am grateful that Grady is happy to be swimming around in my belly. Tonight I know he is safe and unaware and content, I’m  just not ready today to take it all in, but i’m working on that…. tomorrow im counting on some really good seconds to get me through.


7 thoughts on “good second…Bad Second

  1. Adrienne says:

    Oh I’ve been where you are and know exactly what you are going through. As you said, you are human and no matter how much faith you have those little “what if’s” like to sneak their way in. I wrote a post about the “what if’s” just days before my son was born and I received the most amazing comment by a girl named Jessica- you can read my post if you wish under “favorites” on my blog and then scroll down to read her awesome comment.

    In the mean time just know you’re not alone in your thoughts and when people say “if I only knew then what I know now”-wow that couldn’t be more true for me and my life with my son now. Here’s hoping for “good seconds” in the coming months!

  2. Mom A. says:

    I am blessed to be your mother. Love you so much! Let’s start reading about the things that we can do to make Grady aware of the loving family he is about to enter. I’m ready. Tell me where to begin. What should I be reading. Besides all the hugs and kisses he will be receiving , what else can I do.

  3. Liz says:

    I just stumbled across your blog for the first time but wanted to leave a comment as this post hit home for me. We didn’t have a prenatal diagnosis, so my grieving period (which sounds terrible, but ka somewhat accurate) was after his birth. My coping mechanism was to immerse myself in info about Down syndrome. I felt the more knowledge I had, the better mom I could be for Tate. Long story short, three weeks of research later I realized that I was only overwhelming myself with the what-ifs. I started to be the best mom I could be just by loving him and treating him as Tate… I stopped worrying about the details. Trust me, you’ll get to that punt with Grady too, and you’ll realize that he is truly the most amazing gift that God has given you. 🙂

  4. Carrie says:

    I just saw your blog on babycenter. We had a prenatal diagnosis at 20 weeks–and our little lady is almost 8 months old. I can completely relate to what you’re feeling. Sometimes it’s overwhelming–I would try to read the books and I would just cry and cry. I would read other people’s experiences and it helped, but I was still worried that I would be the one that it didn’t get better for and that I would always be a crying mess. I’m happy to report that it really does get better and I can’t imagine life without Miss B. She is truly a delight.

  5. Karyn says:

    Hi! Thanks for visiting my blog. As you know, I have been there too. You know how I feel now because you read about it, but I just want to tell you that it is totally OK to do what you are doing – letting it out and feeling that ache in your heart is what you need to do right now. There will be a point later that your heart will be so full of love when he is here in your arms. I do think that my pain and hurt with the dx made me love Quinn all the more. Hugs to you! I will be following your journey if that is ok.

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