All too easy is it to read the Downs books and get consumed with the medical facts, the statistics the jargon. It can be oppressive as an expecting mother, I really just want to think little blue onesies, bouncy seats and lullaby’s. Before finding out about Grady I was solely concerned about what happens inside me each week. I would get excited over an extra inch or pound, fingernails or hair, skin and bones oh and updating my facebook status with big happenings with Grady (a facebook account I no longer have). I haven’t even read my usual websites regarding week by week pregnancy developments since finding out, actually I dont even know what week I am exactley. Instead I am reading heavy DS books, googling facts and eventually finding a release in other people’s inspirational blogs and a family who’s son has DS that we have met at church. But at the end of the day all I my mind is consumed by is Downs, the possible medical complications, the physical characteristics the serious side of things when really if I take a moment to just STOP and allow my maternal side to break through….I break down. I actually picture this child of mine and I get overwhelmed with emotion, because as an expecting mother all I can really visually see is a tiny baby nestled in my arms, the sweet smell of their head and the tiny fingers and toes that will all be ours to love and cherish. When I stop thinking about all of that jargon when I let down my walls I see Grady, the same little boy I had hoped for, the tiny infiant that he will be in my arms, the child who will need me and will love me … the child who will be oh so perfect in my eyes and they eyes of God.
Yesterday, we had a chance to visit with the beautiful family from our church who has a 3 yr old son with Downs for the second time. When we first met, I was overwhelmed with emotion to the point where I froze up anything maternal when meeting their child. As the weeks have gone by I have become comfortable with our situation and my own self and seeing their Son again yesterday threw me into a state of Love, Compassion and Joy to the point of tears. I cried right in front of his mom and him, not because I felt bad, or because I was sad, but because I looked at their child and saw a little boy, who smiled and laughed, who wanted to be loved and hugged….I just saw a little boy. I didn’t see an extra chromosome hanging from his ears or toes. He was perfect. His mother gave me a big hug, it felt so good.
Side-note:So for the past two weeks, I have started preparing for life with two children. I want to be prepared for everything Grady will be and wont be in the best way I currently know how. For me at this point it looks like me actually taking a shower before I start the day. My newfound morning routine has really helped me get my day started. In the past I would wait till Mason took his first nap, and I would pretty much drag myself through breakfast & the first part of the day. I thought this routine put in place is one of the best ways to allow me to feel prepared for everything a day will bring with two children. It’s a small step, but for me some mornings it feels like a huge leap!