I have thought a lot about the decisions I have made over the last few months regarding Grady and it has brought me to a point of reflection. The pro’s and con’s of discovering Grady’s Secret before he was born and before the termination cut off is playing itself back to me in all sorts of ways. Spiritually speaking, I can feel the devil creeping through the door of opinion ever since I opened the Window of truth to Grady’s Secret. We were convinced that finding out with the amnio if Grady was ok would help us prepare mentally for what we were about to/or not about to endure. Also, given the fact that I am scheduled to give birth at a small community hospital that is not prepared for a child with a disability or one who needs immediate medical attention would be a stress or anxiety that could be prevented. I already felt like I was being thwarted on a medical rollercoaster, through test after test, so the quick decision to have an Amnio came with no reservation or preparation for what I am dealing with today. That is right, I opened the window, I peaked into God’s package wrapped around my belly to have the control of knowing. Never would I guess that arming myself with that knowledge and hopefully slowly sharing the news would bring a series of other’s opinions to my awareness.
*Perhaps we never found out, lets go there for a second. What would it look like to me, or to them (all others besides us)?Then I would never have to have 10 different doctors ask me if I am keeping him (really who wants to live that over and over again). If I never found out, I would never have to hear other’s question my decision to keep him or mention their opinion on what they would do. If I never found out, I might actually be soaking up all the little thrills of a stress free pregnancy. If I never found out perhaps I wouldn’t have to spend my time reassuring people that I made the right decision or comforting their discomfort of the news. If we never found out until he was born at least it wouldn’t give people the opportunity to place judgemen or allow time for chit/chat on something they no little to nothingabout.
For in the end, I feel like I don’t have a decision… even though we did find out, I don’t have a right to play God, the decision was already made for me by GOD, he chose Grady and he Chose me. Do you think that before a person suggest or eludes to termination they might educate themselves on how that looks at 24 weeks pregnant? Both medically and emotionally speaking. Should I go there for those of you who don’t?It’s not a magical pill and it all disappears. Google it, google the method at 24 weeks, if you feel the need to share your opinion be prepared I will share mine, I even might share with you some Facts and details and maybe some scripture. I am armed with it all right now… still arming, still preparing.
This is a real sensitive issue, and I think the last few days I have been overwhelmed with the unknown and have allowed myself to become anxious. I am sure these are all really normal feelings but that doesn’t make it any easier. I am taking a moment tonight to regroup, pray and reflect on the decision made and why I sleep so freaking good at night…..
The Pro’s of starting to know Grady before he is born are endless, beginning with the connection I am making with him now, the preperation of love in my heart and understanding, the Pro’s of how my personal relationship with God is strengthened, the Pro of the true love and support of compassionate people in our lives who willingly express their excitement without hesitation on becoming a part of his life, how a world of knowledge about disabilities and DS is opening my eyes to a whole new perspective, Pro that with the truth also reveals other’s true self.. I have a bigger prayer list now because of the revealing of other’s souls…. I could go on and on… So today I stand with my decision to get the Amnio, because I am sure the internal and external battles being fought now would manifest themselves in someway in February, luckily we are sorting through it all now.